Poem: Two whiskey away from AA

I used to write a lot of poetry. When my best friend died when I was still a young teenager, I wrote a poem for her funeral (and performed it in front of everyone). I haven't written a poem since. I didn't even notice that I stopped writing until many years later. Finally, I started writing stories again but it was year before I let myself open up enough to dabble in poetry again. Below is a poem I wrote after having a whiskey while on antidepressants. I am no longer on antidepressants and only drink a whiskey or two per week now, but on bad days, I still crave the release of a good glass of whiskey.

Zombie on a good day.
Useless on a bad day.
In, two, three, four.
Hold, two, three, four.

Two whiskey away from AA.
Out, two, three, four.
Hold, two, three, four.

Meditation failing, failed.
Somebody stop me.
I don’t need another problem.

Head spinning, world fading.
Tomorrow’s a hope.
No hope left. Head spinning.

Two whiskey away from AA.
In, two, three, four.
Hold, two, three, four.
Breathing as an anchor.
Can’t hold me. No hope left.

Depression consumes me.
There is a scream stuck in my chest.
Can't let it out.
The world would hear.
Nobody would hear.

It's too quiet.
It's too loud.
Would anyone hear?
I wake up screaming in the night.

Nobody heard but me.

Kate Hildenbrand

Kate Hildenbrand

Kate Hildenbrand is the writer behind the essays here, author of fiction novels, the creator of the Kate Hildenbrand podcast, and a student of marine ecology. At least, that's her on the surface.